i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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