He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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