I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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