Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
