seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
