I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
