dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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