I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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