I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
