this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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