Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
