So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
