btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Boobs speak an international language.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
