i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have aggressive nipples.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
