Your dad touched me again.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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