she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
