i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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