mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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