So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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