so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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