i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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