go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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