I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
