You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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