You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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