Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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