if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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