You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
