She is in my trunk
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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