can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my liver is dry heaving
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
