my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
