I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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