My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize