the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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