My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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