I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
