NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
