this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
