There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
