never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
