Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
