I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
