so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
