I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
