So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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