I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
