Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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