I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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