i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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