so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm passing your future prison.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
