last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
did i just pee glitter
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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