come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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