i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Let's get the cat blown out
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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