I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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