If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
