When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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