Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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