What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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