in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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