hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
