at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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