I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
