I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
